Lawyer One Liners

Q: What do you call a lawyer who doesn't chase ambulances?

A: Retired.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to write the environmental

 impact statement.

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar

association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once

launched, they

cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?

A: Their personalities.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

A: Stick his bill up his @$%.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck

defiance.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor?

A: No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?

A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd

been there eight hours.

Q: Did you hear about the group of terrorists that hijacked a plane

full of lawyers?

A: They called down to ground control with their list of demands,

threatening that if their demands weren't met, they would release one

lawyer every hour.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: If you see a lawyer on bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid

hitting him?

A: That might be your bicycle.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

A: Depends on how thin you slice them.

Q: How do you get a group of lawyers to smile for a picture?

A: Just say "Fees!"

Q: Why are lawyers so good at racket ball

A: Because they stoop so low.

Q: How does an attorney sleep?

A: First he lies on one side, and then on the other.

Q: What would happen if you lock a zombie in a room full of lawyers?

A: He would starve to death.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?

A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: "Your honor."

Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar

association convention?

A: The caterer.

Q: What does it mean when a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding

fee schedule?

A: It means that after you pay his bill, it's financially hard to get back

on your feet.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start!

Q: Why do they bury lawyers twelve feet deep?

A: Because deep down, they are really good guys.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?

A: A shortage of sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

Answer #1: Take your foot off his head.

Answer #2: No? Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?

A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?

A: There was an empty seat.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?

A: In the cemetery

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?

A: When you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an angry rhinoceros?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a computer nerd?

A: Sooner or later everyone needs a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is a scum-sucking bottom feeder, and the other is a catfish.

Q: What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead

lawyer in the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?

A: A hooker will stop screwing you after you are dead.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?

A: A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?

A: A lawyer can take off his wing tips

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good

lawyer can

make it last even longer.

Pilot One Liners

Q: What is the ideal cockpit crew? 

A: A pilot and a dog...the pilot is there to feed the dog, and the dog

is there to

bite the pilot in case he tries to touch anything.

Q: How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one. He holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Q: How do you know if a pilot is at your party?

A: He'll tell you.

Q: How do you know when you are half way through a date with a pilot?

A: Because he says: "That’s enough about flying, let's talk about me"!

Q: What's the purpose of the propeller?

A: To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch

him sweat!

Music One Liners

Q: What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?

A: Will the defendant please rise.

Q: What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire

State Building?

A: Who Cares...

Q: What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Q: What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean?

A: A good start.

Q: What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test?

A: Drool...

Q: Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?

A: It saves time in the long run.

Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?

A: That's the banjo player's Porsche

Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?

A: By there names...(used to be Irish fiddle tunes)

Q: What is the difference between a French horn and a lawnmower?

A: You can tune a lawnmower.

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?

A: Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.

Q: What is the difference between a saxophone and a chain saw?

A: The grip.

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?

A: You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the

trampoline.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They have a machine that does that now.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?

A: A drummer.

Q: How do you know if there is a drummer at your door?

A: The knocking always speeds up.

Q: Why do drummers always have trouble entering a room ?

A: They never know when to come in.

Q: How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?

A: 50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do

that better.

Q: What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?

A: Their personality.

Q: What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?

A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."

Q: What's the difference between a moose and a blues band?

A: The moose has the horns up front and the asshole behind.

Q: How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. Bono holds up the light bulb, and the universe revolves

around his ass.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a violin?

A: A violin burns faster.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?

A: Terrorists have sympathizers

Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?

A: A dressmaker tucks up frills.

Q: What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline?

A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.

Christmas Oneliners

Q. What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish

on Christmas?

A. Sandy Claws.

Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

A. So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.

Q. What's red and white and gives presents to good little fish

on Christmas?

A. Sandy Claws.

Q. Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

A. So he can ho-ho-ho.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A. Frostbite.

Q. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?

A. Because he had low elf esteem.

Q. What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

A. Ribbon hood.

Q. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

A. Claustrophobic.

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

A. Snowflakes.

Q. Why did the little girl change her mind about buying her

grandmother a packet

  of handkerchiefs for Christmas?

A. She said "I could not work out what size her nose was!

Q. What was so good about he neurotic doll the girl was given

for Christmas?

A. It was wound up already.

Q. What was wrong with the boy's brand new toy electric train set

he received for Christmas?

A. Forty feet of track - all straight!


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