He was quite a character. I frequently think of him even though a long many years have passed since we had made our acquaintance.
I’m talking about a horse called Max. He was quite an old gentleman (probably over twenty years) and I used to like riding him tremendously. During our quiet rides alone he would settle down into an easy-going walk giving the impression that he was in no particular hurry to arrive wherever we happened to be going and would rather quietly ponder the surrounding countryside or the numerous adventures he must have gone through – for instance, Max was blind in one eye having once in his early days, bolted and ran into a passing lorry!
What struck me most in Max was his character, which stood out mostly when we were riding in a group. As soon as we were out of the stables he would, as was his custom, quicken his pace to take the lead of the group, following which he would settle down into a quiet, lethargic walk showing no particular earnest to take the ride in undue hurry. His attitude would be quite calm, almost, you could say, philosophical. Until, that is …
Whenever another horse in our group would be so audacious as to venture even a whisker ahead of Max, the old gentleman would suddenly transform himself. One would not be blamed for thinking that Max had been taken over by some superior power …
The new Max would immediately spring into action. He would quicken his pace, tossing his head this way and that as if to rid himself of the restraining bridle, snorting prancing around until once again he had re-established his position at the head of the group. Having attained the status of leader, he would stay on the alert to make sure that the “offender” would not even dare to think of overtaking him, making such intention quite clear by a great gnashing of teeth and lunging in the culprit’s direction.
Inevitably, my animal recollections prompt me to reflect upon aspects of my life.
Throughout my life I’ve had a lot in common with Max. Being an egoistic, self-centered person, since my early childhood I adopted as my life-principle the “easy” way through life. I never showed any outward interest in furthering my position, whether at school, at work, in the community… I tried to come to terms with the fact that my elder brothers were intellectually and physically vastly superior to me.
I preferred to take life at a relaxed stride and set myself very low targets that, I calculated, could be comfortably attained. In principle, I always chose to enjoy life rather than worry about it. If a problem arose, I would quickly side step to let it roll by.
In truth, however, things were much different from what appearances portrayed. Like Max I was always feeling the burden of deep resentments towards anybody who was successful. I was being drawn deeper and deeper into a “hate” mentality that often pictured scenes of revenge, violence and destruction. An evil force overcame me and I ended up always feeling bitter towards life. This evil in me was incessantly portraying me as a failure, the victim of unjust circumstances, and this propelled me into even greater hate.
I was governed by a crippling inferiority complex and soon found myself venting my anger against God who cruelly created me with such a disadvantage. God hates me, I believed. So I’ll hate him back.
Soon I was publicly declaring that God did not exist. He was just a negative, oppressive figment of the imagination.
This war of hate with God had to follow its course but eventually, it started to expend itself. This was the most dangerous stage. The anger and hate began to be re-directed towards myself. Self-destruction became the foremost thought in my mind. Suicide was an incessant thought – the Final Solution! The easy way out!
But God is wonderful in His immense mercy!
Just when I had reached the end of my tether, He intervened in my life. Just when I was feeling utterly lost, a total failure!
What marvelous ways He has! Just like the people of Israel in the Bible. He did not choose them because they were better or stronger than other people. On the contrary, He chose the poorest and weakest. He called Abraham when he was feeling a total failure, without sons, without land. He called His people to Freedom and to the Promised Land just when they were despairing and downtrodden in Egypt. He even chose to become like one of us and let Himself be hung upon a cross as the ultimate picture of weakness and failure.
Yes, nowadays I can truly proclaim that I believe in God who is ALMIGHTY because He has raised me from the depths of Hell!
I can truly declare that I believe in Jesus Christ who died, but rose from the dead… because I have experienced this in my life.
I believe in the Holy Spirit of God who breathed upon me and gave this body of mine new life.
I believe in the Holy Mother Church who took me in again, the repentant Prodigal Son. I also believe in the Communion of Saints, my present brethren within the Church, who although fully aware of my real sinful self, love me the way I am, just like God loved me when I was His enemy.
Look at me … just look at me! And give Glory to the Lord !
|
